Del 27 year old itch

i don't want a funeral
i don't want fame
i don't want a wedding or a white dress
i don't want a baby
i don't want to impress
i don't want a boyfriend/husband
i don't want a sleepover
i don't want girlfriends
i don't want diamonds

i want many dogs
i want to go out
i want to change tastes
i want many lovers
i want to dance all night
i want to be brave
i want to travel
i want tomorrowland
i want to keep experimenting

and yes, i'm a girl.

Champagne Vein

it is your suffering that can make you beautiful
refusing aid you are such a helpless soul
it is not like you would ever make me feel whole
why should i even try? when i already know
you are a wilting flower becoming more vain

i constantly search for your gloomy embrace
and then when i'm done i cant look at your face
how is it that i long to be by your side
and a few minutes later i wish you were gone,
i find nothing in you to take away the pain

i find you obscenely attractive, its true
i also wish you would never come through
to give me an excuse to send you away
why can´t you just give me something to feel
there is something about you from which i can never abstain

De Switch

I wish I could switch your problems with mine
You’re in pain cause she left and she doesn't want you anymore.
You could run off and get her. you could leave everything. you could do so much.
But you're here crying about it, waiting for things to go your way.
Wishing that just because you want something so bad it would become true. I wish I still believed that.

Let me tell you I found him, I had it for a while and it was amazing
It was certain and so true.
It was my everything, and it was my nothing.
And I lost it all
Lost everything that day in may, and it is never coming back

Are you really complaining? Is that really what you are saying?
I stand in front of you and you don't know the meaning of loss.
I remind you of a glimpse of it so you run.
You always run away from me.

You tell yourself you know I am strong.
I wonder how you know that. You never ask.
You think you see me, you can’t see into my heart.
Not anymore.
I wish someone could, or that someone else knew.
But it’s only me out here in the rain.
Everyone has dried off and gone inside while I am soaked and paralyzed.
I am wasted. I have wasted my love.

I am not going anywhere but everyone else leaves.
I constantly get left behind.
Always the last to leave the party.
Profoundly alone and excruciatingly impatient.
Praying for time to take pity on me and pass by fast.

De Los Primeros Pasos

toda la vida me han dado horror los bebés. Llegan a una edad en la que ya son personitas y me empiezan a causar gracia. Yo les caigo perfecto porque me ven chiquita y creen que soy de su edad. Siempre les caigo bien a los chavitos aunque yo no tengo idea de q hacer con ellos, porque no tengo ese gen mamá, desde los 13 le decía a mi jefa que quería donar mi útero a la ciencia.

Lo que si siempre me ha fascinado de los niños chiquitos es cuando empiezan a caminar. esas primeras caminadas que se echan con puro vuelito, que se no saben frenar chido todavía, que mas bien se dan con el vuelito hasta q un mueble, una persona, o un azotón los para.

Que cagado es que así estoy avanzando por mi vida, con el puro vuelito de la supervivencia, tirando todo lo que me estorba al pasar. no me voy a detener hasta que me encuentre una pared. si me doy un "ranazo" en palabras de mi papá, me voy a levantar las veces que sea y a caminar con esa velocidad que va incrementando y dando miedito pero es imposible de frenar. voy derecho y no me quito, porque no me puedo parar. si me detengo quien sabe que pase. si me voy despacio lo que estoy dejando atrás siempre va a estar cerca. puede que si acabe corriendo hacia una pared, porque ni siquiera puedo ver lo que tengo enfrente. solo veo a mis pies moverse, sin saber a donde van.

Del Tsunami

Apparently clonazepam is highly addictive, and after having taken it daily for three months and feeling not so shitty. It was recommended that I stop taking it and start FEELING IT and LIVING IT. At first it all sounded pretty stupid to me, its not as if I haven't been living since he died, as if I had a choice. But now that I have gone through a couple of days of withdrawal syndrome and have managed to detox, I realize how truly dependent I was on the stupid drug. I wish I could sleep without nightmares. All I really ever want to do is sleep. Fucking rivotril made me sleep. It helped me function, which means right now I’m as dysfunctional as there is.

I’m exactly where I never wanted to be since it happened. Even the fucking weather is horrible. It insists on reminding me just how sad I should be. I am sad, I hate saying it, but images of happier days flood my mind and just as I start to remember that I was truly blissful not so long ago, a horrible image of death sweeps the memories away and it is impossible to hold on to them. My stomach drops, and I am all alone again.

I’m not alone; there are people everywhere yet I am so alone. The drugs kept me company. They made me forget. They ended up leaving me too, betraying my trust as well. They were helping me stop that fucking tsunami of sadness that so wanted to hit me in the face and flood my heart and soul. I could not stop it by myself. I guess it was always supposed to come. I guess I had only delayed it.

de stage 2 anger

so how bad is it that i'm living off anger lately?

i'm thankful to be angry and im talking fucking furious.
i am angry so i exercise.
i fucking hate that i miss you, so i work hard.
i loathe being depressed, so i go out.
i am so sick of this shit, so i am moving.
i want to fight so thank god for telemarketers.
i know that i will see you one day and you will apologize.
i want to tell you to fuck off, and so i will.
i am pushing forward and i will prove you wrong.
i am still here even though you are gone.



i am livid cause you knew that i would be.
fuck you, you knew anger would work for me to survive.

De BEFORE AND AFTER

So it is very weird that people stare at you. They are even more aware than you. Its the first day you are back, the first party you go to, the first drink they see you have, and the first time they see you as a single, not a couple. Sometimes people don't mean to stare, they always do anyway. Thank god you are with your new friend, who is really an old friend who moved back after what happened and who's smart enough to never bring it up or your new status because he has been through a similar situation. He makes everything feel new, even if it truly is the same old shit.

As the night progresses and you get a few more drinks in you start to relax, you start to ignore how many people have come up to talk to you that would have never before. You start socializing more with people who you disliked before and had nothing in common with. Were all on the same boat, yet I am drowning all by myself.

The truth is you need a new crowd. You need to move from where you are (which is a block away from where you lived before). You crave affection from a person who belongs to the after part of this fucked up life whom you can use up and discard without having to explain what before was. So what if your tattoos are daily reminders of before? You got them after, and their only yours, not his, not anyone else’s.

After is when you've realized that you are mad. Furious. Enraged. This motivates you. This makes you want to have a body that agrees with the after part of your life. After is when you look the opposite from the way you feel. Just to confuse them, just to let them know that you are stronger than you look and at the same time totally more destroyed than they know. They will never know. Only you feel it. Only you have witnessed it. This is what is so lonely, only you know how it feels, losing that which you fear the most.