Del Tsunami

Apparently clonazepam is highly addictive, and after having taken it daily for three months and feeling not so shitty. It was recommended that I stop taking it and start FEELING IT and LIVING IT. At first it all sounded pretty stupid to me, its not as if I haven't been living since he died, as if I had a choice. But now that I have gone through a couple of days of withdrawal syndrome and have managed to detox, I realize how truly dependent I was on the stupid drug. I wish I could sleep without nightmares. All I really ever want to do is sleep. Fucking rivotril made me sleep. It helped me function, which means right now I’m as dysfunctional as there is.

I’m exactly where I never wanted to be since it happened. Even the fucking weather is horrible. It insists on reminding me just how sad I should be. I am sad, I hate saying it, but images of happier days flood my mind and just as I start to remember that I was truly blissful not so long ago, a horrible image of death sweeps the memories away and it is impossible to hold on to them. My stomach drops, and I am all alone again.

I’m not alone; there are people everywhere yet I am so alone. The drugs kept me company. They made me forget. They ended up leaving me too, betraying my trust as well. They were helping me stop that fucking tsunami of sadness that so wanted to hit me in the face and flood my heart and soul. I could not stop it by myself. I guess it was always supposed to come. I guess I had only delayed it.

de stage 2 anger

so how bad is it that i'm living off anger lately?

i'm thankful to be angry and im talking fucking furious.
i am angry so i exercise.
i fucking hate that i miss you, so i work hard.
i loathe being depressed, so i go out.
i am so sick of this shit, so i am moving.
i want to fight so thank god for telemarketers.
i know that i will see you one day and you will apologize.
i want to tell you to fuck off, and so i will.
i am pushing forward and i will prove you wrong.
i am still here even though you are gone.



i am livid cause you knew that i would be.
fuck you, you knew anger would work for me to survive.

De BEFORE AND AFTER

So it is very weird that people stare at you. They are even more aware than you. Its the first day you are back, the first party you go to, the first drink they see you have, and the first time they see you as a single, not a couple. Sometimes people don't mean to stare, they always do anyway. Thank god you are with your new friend, who is really an old friend who moved back after what happened and who's smart enough to never bring it up or your new status because he has been through a similar situation. He makes everything feel new, even if it truly is the same old shit.

As the night progresses and you get a few more drinks in you start to relax, you start to ignore how many people have come up to talk to you that would have never before. You start socializing more with people who you disliked before and had nothing in common with. Were all on the same boat, yet I am drowning all by myself.

The truth is you need a new crowd. You need to move from where you are (which is a block away from where you lived before). You crave affection from a person who belongs to the after part of this fucked up life whom you can use up and discard without having to explain what before was. So what if your tattoos are daily reminders of before? You got them after, and their only yours, not his, not anyone else’s.

After is when you've realized that you are mad. Furious. Enraged. This motivates you. This makes you want to have a body that agrees with the after part of your life. After is when you look the opposite from the way you feel. Just to confuse them, just to let them know that you are stronger than you look and at the same time totally more destroyed than they know. They will never know. Only you feel it. Only you have witnessed it. This is what is so lonely, only you know how it feels, losing that which you fear the most.