Del Tsunami

Apparently clonazepam is highly addictive, and after having taken it daily for three months and feeling not so shitty. It was recommended that I stop taking it and start FEELING IT and LIVING IT. At first it all sounded pretty stupid to me, its not as if I haven't been living since he died, as if I had a choice. But now that I have gone through a couple of days of withdrawal syndrome and have managed to detox, I realize how truly dependent I was on the stupid drug. I wish I could sleep without nightmares. All I really ever want to do is sleep. Fucking rivotril made me sleep. It helped me function, which means right now I’m as dysfunctional as there is.

I’m exactly where I never wanted to be since it happened. Even the fucking weather is horrible. It insists on reminding me just how sad I should be. I am sad, I hate saying it, but images of happier days flood my mind and just as I start to remember that I was truly blissful not so long ago, a horrible image of death sweeps the memories away and it is impossible to hold on to them. My stomach drops, and I am all alone again.

I’m not alone; there are people everywhere yet I am so alone. The drugs kept me company. They made me forget. They ended up leaving me too, betraying my trust as well. They were helping me stop that fucking tsunami of sadness that so wanted to hit me in the face and flood my heart and soul. I could not stop it by myself. I guess it was always supposed to come. I guess I had only delayed it.